He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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