Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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