I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
