I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
