I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
