when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
