i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
