out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
