I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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