dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
