I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
COCAINE IS GR8
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
