quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
