First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
