I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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