I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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