I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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