bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
