one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
