I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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