just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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