I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
