my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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