Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
