YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
and she was petting her beer can
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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