Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
