I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
