her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
