people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
