Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm getting married
To pizza
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
