Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
