I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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