My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dignity is for republicans.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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