that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Randomize
