I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize