If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
