took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
