Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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