Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
