He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
