This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
