She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
