So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Randomize
