you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
