Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
