I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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