So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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