After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
