Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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