last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
