i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
