Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
