I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
