i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
