we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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