Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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