"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
