Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
