I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
A+ Viking dick
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
