you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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