I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
