Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
