If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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