I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
