you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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