I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
