this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
