Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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