a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
