I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
